How Much Would You Pay?

Would you go to a gym that made you pay for missed visits?  Probably not, but you may be surprised to learn that in the world of exercise consistency penalties may outweigh rewards in motivating you to meet your activity goals.

Recent research out of University of Pennsylvania separated 300 participants into four groups, two of which included cash incentives.  In one group, participants were awarded $1.40 for each day they met their activity goals (with a possible total of $42 to be earned over 30 days).  In a second group, participants were awarded the lump sum payment of $42 on the first day of the month, then “fined” $1.40 for each day they failed to meet their goal.  Although the financial outcome would be the same for all participants with the same activity levels, the group facing the prospect of having money taken back for non-achievement was nearly twice as likely to meet their goals as participants who were paid for each day they achieved their goals.

The study, demonstrating the strength of loss aversion as a motivator, poses the question of how to take this (not-so-positive) approach forward toward helping people involved in creating new exercise habits.

One way I’ve encouraged habit development for clients in the past is through the use of a very visible calendar marking each day of progress.  The feedback I get from clients is less around building the calendar, and more around not wanting to disrupt their visible pattern of performance with a “miss."  Because a miss feels like loss once a pattern of success becomes evident, this simple practice is another example of the strength of loss aversion in building exercise habits. 

Ready to give it a go?  Try building your own activity-tracking calendar – maybe even go so far as to pre-load it with rewards (checks, stars or stickers will do just fine).  You may just find that your reluctance to remove a reward (suffer a loss) promotes the development of your new activity habit!  

Hint: if you want to really double-down on winning habit development, post your calendar somewhere you and others will see it.  

"We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence then, is not an act, but a habit."  ~Aristotle

Converse like a Coach

Want to improve your daily exchanges?  You might try conversing like a coach.  

Recently I was asked what I thought was most important in a coaching relationship – what makes the relationship work?  And interestingly, I think at its heart the same thing that makes a coaching relationship work is integral to every relationship: respect.  And I believe one of the most important ways we demonstrate respect for the intelligence, talent, creativity and resourcefulness of others – whether clients, family, partners, friends or colleagues – is through conversation.  

As a coach, I appreciate and truly enjoy my clients.  I enjoy our coaching conversations.  I love exploring with clients and being as surprised as they are by their discoveries.  To experience that marvel and joy, I hold no preconceived notions and make no judgments as we converse.  My clients and I are peers and partners in observing, discovering, mining, learning, sharing and celebrating.  In coaching conversations, trust is paramount (and goes both ways).  Like walking a trail with a great mountain guide, a coach doesn’t have to know what is around the next corner.

Rather, it is the cool-headed reaction to gathering storm clouds, flexible approach when considering unexpected paths, engaging sense of humor that encourages exploration and genuine interest in a client’s well-being and ability to reach and grow, which I think are most important.  That’s because from these kind practices and respect, grow the trust required to walk together and to talk amiably, authentically, happily. 

Years ago, when I was a student in Georgetown University’s leadership coaching program, the refrain of our teaching staff was to trust the process.  What they really meant was that we didn’t need to learn scripts, master assessment tools or pick up affected/steering interaction techniques.  We all were intelligent, talented, creative and resourceful learners.  We would gain experience and expand our talents to meet our clients where they were – wherever they were.  And that meant conversing with genuine curiosity, and having nothing to demonstrate or to prove.  We were enough in our listening, reflecting, appreciating and honoring others.  For new coaches, that can feel risky.   After many years and clients, it feels natural.  Coaching, after all, is a conversation.  

And I believe just about any conversation can be enriched by the same reverent approach.  If you’ve had too many Groundhog Day-type discussions (new topic, same frustrating result), you may want to try thinking a little like a coach when you next engage someone in conversation:

1.  Start by acknowledging and appreciating the intelligence, talents, creativity and resourcefulness of your conversation partner.  Likely each of you has information the other does not.  Only by starting out with this awareness will you be open to listening and learning (as opposed to lecturing).
2.     Keep in mind this line from Chalmers Brother’s book Language and the Pursuit of Happiness: “You can be right, or you can be in a relationship.” Which do you choose?
3.     Be Stephen Covey-like in your willingness to listen first to understand.  It’s all a matter of perspective.  The more you practice real and honest listening to understand, the easier it becomes.
4.     Be honest with yourself about your intention in conversation.  There’s a difference between being able to finish one another’s sentences and interrupting – one springs from compatibility and the other from “combat-ability.”  You can feel the difference.
5.     Be curious – genuinely curious.  That means surrender your thoughts about what to say next and just listen when others speak.  Long ago, when I was working in public affairs, a sage professional told me that it was perfectly fine to pause and consider an interviewer’s question before rendering an answer (a microphone thrust into one’s face is not a starter gun, and neither is a pause in dialogue).  How many times have we all missed a key point due to our own distraction; or answered the question not asked?
6.     And on the heels of that one, be comfortable with silences in conversation.   I like to think of silences as conversational petri dishes -- culturing thoughts and ideas.  Sometimes conversations require the gift of a respectful pause.
7.     Understand that the counterweight to an unhelpful assumption is a thoughtful question.  If there’s one place assumptions find no quarter it is in meaningful discourse.  So ask clarifying questions to get at distinctions.   If you want to know more, ask more; and then operate from shared knowledge (that’s respect).
8.     Finally, enjoy the discourse.  Fun and engaging conversations are spontaneous, memorable and raise awareness (for each participant).


The art of conversation, or the qualification for a good companion, is a certain self-control, which now holds the subject, now lets it go, with a respect for the emergencies of the moment.  ~Emerson